Out of the Sadness

For most of my life from the age of 12 or so I have battled some sort of demon. Whether it was sadness or anxiety and even downright panic. At times all those things all at once. I often joke that I don’t have feelings because to be honest I do not allow myself to show any other feeling besides jest and annoyance, and that’s the Susie most people see at the gym day to day. If I show my “real” feelings i’ll feel totally exposed or judged and maybe even pitied. I loathe pity. So it’s just easier to be precocious and laugh because that’s safe.

I came into O’Hare Crossfit with no workout experience but I uncharacteristically wanted to try something new. Exercise is supposed to help with those negative feelings, but I also wanted to get in shape and have fun while doing it. I wish I could say tah dah Crossfit saved me and now i’m never sad or anxious, but I would be lying. While it has helped me a lot and the people I have met here and interact with daily have become touch tones to my life I still have struggles. This summer has been so great as far as work and my personal life, but I have had very important people pass away. One of those people was a very close friend and as you may guess I didn’t really allow myself to feel as sad as I probably should have for not only that loss but all of them. There is also a certain amount of guilt I feel with being sad when so many things are going well. How can I be so blessed and still feel not only sad but a great sense of lack and anxiety?

As a result my demon has manifested itself with me having a rough time working out. For the better part of the last 3 months I have not been consistent. If I could not lift as heavy as I previously had or not move as fast as before,I felt like a total failure. Then I would let this affect how I treat myself as far as how I fuel my body and was not eating as best as I know I could. I have started workouts and not finished them only to get so panicked about not finishing that I cry. I would get so anxious that my strength is disappearing but still could not muster the will to exercise. I would complain about this or that and get so annoyed and my patient boyfriend would try to help me only to have me find a problem to all of his solutions. I frustrate myself but I do the best I can with not letting people know how I am feeling on the inside.

I am almost fully out of the hole now and honestly there is no real magic trick. I have had to just prioritize the stuff that has helped me in the past; like working out, eating right and allowing myself to actually try some of those solutions instead of negating them. We can all feel these things at times and I do not like to talk about my personal issues, but I also know how isolating it can feel in the facade of day to day life. This might happen again, I know that, but the point is to know that I can get out of it like I have now and not to get upset with myself if it does. I am so grateful to have so many great things in my life and I will hold on to that feeling as long as possible.


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